Well..

so my bloggers a dead zone.
:(

stupid girl, i should've known, i should've known

Ever get that feeling you're going to lose something?
Or someone?

I hate that feeling.
I guess all I can say that is I wish too much.
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I want a feeling or sense of being stable for once in my life.
That'd be great.
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“Don’t be afraid if things seem difficult in the beginning. That’s only the initial impression. The important thing is not to retreat; you have to master yourself.”

— Olga Korbut

this makes completely no sense when you read it.

so yeah. it's kinda a rant. that makes no sense.
so don't mind it i guess. hah.



I can't feel like I can do anything right. "Steffi, you need to find out what you want to do with your life already." "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" "Sorry, but this cannot work out. You didn't do _______ soon enough. Why didn't you?"

My answer is: I don't know.
I really don't know. And I'm too tired and burned out to find out. All I know is I want summer to come already. I can't concentrate. And this lack of concentration and being so afraid of every little thing is really getting to me. I just don't want this anymore. I feel like I will never be able to please anyone. Not my family, not my friends. Not even you. My grades are in deep trouble, and I'm just getting more careless at the moment and that's not like me and for some reason i'm not fixing that situation. I haven't been truly happy since the school year started. I can't find comfort within myself, and I'm trying. Really I'm trying, but nothing's working, and i just feel like i'm useless. it's not that noone cares. i know people care. i know my friends are there, and my parents are there. but theres just a part of me missing and i don't know what that is. and i want to be able to find it just so i can push myself again. i used to be so motivated and i don't know whats happened. like deep down i guess i'm happy. like im satisfied but just lost and confused too. and that overpowers my happiness to the point where i feel lonely.
like truthfully i've lost dedication. i used to be able to challenge myself and set my teeth and reach my goals. and now i don't know what my goals are besides joining something that i know i'll love doing. and i still have a little bit of my old self because im willing to do whatever it takes to be good at what i want to do. because i have so many wants. but i just feel like i can never reach to that point and it's making me feel so sick of myself. i just want to be good enough.

I like having a cluttered workspace.
<3

That will be my desk at the end of the week.
:)

Helloooo spring break.

Much of the time you are preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature. You need stimulation and variation with all matters pertaining to your life. You want to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality being able to charm and influence others. You use powerful strategies with predictable outcomes so as to avoid endangering your chances of success or undermining other people's confidence in you.

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are, not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, 'Simpatico'.

Although you are, deep down, a very caring person, you are very particular in the choice of friends and indeed very demanding at times. You can be most quarrelsome and controversial and it is because of this argumentative trait you can at times explode into open conflict - conflict with even those you may care for and love. It is because of this inherent argumentative streak in you that may have resulted in broken hopes and dreams.

Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or restrictions.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

That's incredibly true. But I don't want it to be.

I think I lost my packet for the year abroad studying thing. And it's reallyyy bugging me because it's the only thing I have left to keep me satisfied education wise.

Spring break means nothing when you accomplish....nothing.

There's so much to rethink, rebuild, and to go over about.

I should have cared about my grades earlier this year.

I should have put more time and effort into my work.

I should have been more concentrated.

I don't run away from a challenge because I am afraid. Instead, I run toward it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your feet.
-Nadia Comaneci