this makes completely no sense when you read it.

so yeah. it's kinda a rant. that makes no sense.
so don't mind it i guess. hah.



I can't feel like I can do anything right. "Steffi, you need to find out what you want to do with your life already." "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" "Sorry, but this cannot work out. You didn't do _______ soon enough. Why didn't you?"

My answer is: I don't know.
I really don't know. And I'm too tired and burned out to find out. All I know is I want summer to come already. I can't concentrate. And this lack of concentration and being so afraid of every little thing is really getting to me. I just don't want this anymore. I feel like I will never be able to please anyone. Not my family, not my friends. Not even you. My grades are in deep trouble, and I'm just getting more careless at the moment and that's not like me and for some reason i'm not fixing that situation. I haven't been truly happy since the school year started. I can't find comfort within myself, and I'm trying. Really I'm trying, but nothing's working, and i just feel like i'm useless. it's not that noone cares. i know people care. i know my friends are there, and my parents are there. but theres just a part of me missing and i don't know what that is. and i want to be able to find it just so i can push myself again. i used to be so motivated and i don't know whats happened. like deep down i guess i'm happy. like im satisfied but just lost and confused too. and that overpowers my happiness to the point where i feel lonely.
like truthfully i've lost dedication. i used to be able to challenge myself and set my teeth and reach my goals. and now i don't know what my goals are besides joining something that i know i'll love doing. and i still have a little bit of my old self because im willing to do whatever it takes to be good at what i want to do. because i have so many wants. but i just feel like i can never reach to that point and it's making me feel so sick of myself. i just want to be good enough.